The rest of my life

This is a place for me to put my thoughts down for me. If anybody ever ends up reading them, great; if not, great.

With my marriage seemingly falling apart over the issue of my weight, I have been refusing to do anything about it for a couple of years. My logic has been, admittedly, flawed. I thought if I could stay the same and keep Gee it would force him to prove his love for me by overlooking my fat. I am not saying he is perfect, however he has changed a lot of his behaviors for me, and he seemingly wanted me to only  lose weight and I refused.  Gee and  I are in a holding a pattern, really seeming to live a separated marriage. We have agreed to try and be friends and stay in the same house for the kids and financial reasons. I must admit our lives seem to be going more smoothly. Strange how I am more willing to be nicer to Gee as a friend than I am when I consider him my husband. I don't know what bizarre baggage I am carrying about marriage and the unspoken expectations I have. I have not been communicating them, but still am upset when Gee failed to live up to the standards which are unclear even to me. This whole life thing is weird. Honestly I don't know how other people figure it out.

I have used taking care of everyone else as an excuse to neglect myself. As part of trying to stop "saving" everyone else and being truly codependent, I am trying to put myself first. I am trying to walk everyday at school with some friends. I am also currently planning on joining weight watchers next week when I get paid. I googled how many points I should have on the new system and I think I will be getting something like 46. I think I need the support of the meetings, the time to focus on me.

The other thing I am working on is getting back into making art on a regular basis. I am committing to trading ATCs again. This is the begining of me living my life for me again. Truly I think I can be a better mom and wife/friend if I put myself first, take care of me so I can take care of the rest of everything.